I was having a conversation with a friend about our different feelings of disconnection from our body, and I tried to explain to her how some of my disconnections come from the limitation of my movements, which is something I have not noticed before, as I was only vaguely aware of this until said friend got me to think about it.
I have a very active imagination and I imagine all sorts of situations; sometimes even while experiencing a situation, I'm simultaneously imagining it (wow this can't be normal), and in my head I always see myself able bodied and expressing my states of being through body language. I even have my own set of mannerisms that never happened.
Whenever I'm forced to face the reality of how I really look like when feeling excited, or dancy, or girly (as I'm the biggest gender cliché of all times), or a million other situations, and I see that I just look immobile on them all, I try my best to ignore that knowledge, because dichotomies are uncomfortable to deal with. It makes me feel frustrated and ashamed, as if I was an actress that performed poorly.
I think maybe one day when I mature enough to accept that I simply can't fit into all the socially constructed nuances of communication I have internalized, the divide might break down. But I don't really want that to happen because now at least in my head, I get to be who I'm supposed to be.
- for Jessie