Cassie Q

Popularity And Such

When I started drawing 4 months ago, I wasn't trying to make anything good, and it didn't ever cross my mind to put it on the internet. When friends suggested that I created a page for my stuff I didn't really take it seriously, I just took it as a compliment. But there was this one thing they said, something about how what I was saying was important and that many people could enjoy it and relate to it, and I immediately clung to the idea that maybe this would finally let me be heard, be seen in the way I want to. When I thought of a name to represent this alter ego, who is really just me but completely exposed, I had to choose Cassie, in honor to the Skins character who went through extreme lows just trying to be seen and loved for who she is.

I'd say my expectations of having lots and lots of people appreciating what I do and eventually being hired by Disney (yes I'm slightly delusional) weren't fulfilled yet, but what I'm getting at is that if there is one basic need from which everything else in my life comes from, it is the need of having people be attracted by who I really am, like a center of gravity. And if I were to explain to someone why is it so hard to have this need met, this is the comic I'd use, and the answer is that I'm the very opposite of a center of gravity. My body represents everything society or nature or however you want to call it deems unworthy, undesirable. When people see me they wonder what went wrong and honestly I wonder the same thing everyday.

An artist once told me that our art is more clever than we are, and that is definitely one of the best parts of the process in my opinion, to notice the meaningful details that weren't planned. When I finished this piece, I saw that while the imagined me rises above, the real me was being forced to stay horizontal, right on the bottom of the page, as if being pulled down by her own weight. And I am writing this now because I really really hope that with this new year comes a new beginning where I'll find the strength to pull myself up and be the source of light and gravity I so desperately want to be.

#selfloathing #imagination

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